How do I determine when to push ahead, and when to listen to my body and rest? These are questions that I struggle with daily. Each morning, I wake up not feeling refreshed. I put one foot in front of the other and rely on the scientific theory, “An object in motion will stay in motion.” I rely on this mantra as I push through the initial fog, reach for my medicine, and begin to fuel my body for the day.
After the hustle and bustle of getting the kids out of the door for school; I take time to assess my body and brain for how they are feeling each day. What hurts most today? (Unfortunately, for the past 7 + years, it has never been ‘Does anything hurt?’) I also need to assess how alert I am. Am I following conversations well, or am I feeling confused? Is there any part of me that needs to be addressed before I can start my day? Sometimes, my medicine will kick in and I feel more alert and capable after a half hour or so. Other days, I feel like my energy and focus are nowhere to be found. It can be incredibly random and therefore difficult to predict- all which can lead to more frustration if I let it. With it’s myriad of symptoms, there is no getting around it, living with Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) is challenging.
I check my schedule for the day to see if there are any appointments or errands that I must attend to, and if not, I typically take that time to sit on my couch, peruse social media, and flip between Good Morning America and the Today show as I continue to take inventory of myself.
Some days, I have non-negotiable appointments set up- and they can be both good and bad for me. When I have to be out of the house, I typically get ready and go- no matter how I am feeling- and I deal with the consequences later. Doctor’s appointments and physical therapies can be both motivating and exhausting at the same time. I rely on adrenaline to see me through, and I crash when I get home. Those days, I get frustrated because I feel like I have spent all of my “good energy” addressing my health and not doing anything fun or fulfilling- but I also can find solace in the fact that I have ticked concrete items off of my to-do list, therefore “earning” the exhaustion I feel. The equation is balanced in that occasion. Other days, I may not have anything concrete on my schedule, only a list of tasks I would like to accomplish or things that I “should” do. These days can be trickier to navigate because logically, I know that my body DOES need more rest, so how do I balance what I would like to accomplish and what I should do? How can I tell what would be best for me in the long run- to push or to rest? Seven plus years into this journey, I still struggle daily with how to answer that question. Sometimes, I even wonder if someone should be making that decision FOR me because it feels like too often, I have a tough time finding balance between the person I desire to be and the person I now am- and I still have a very difficult time accepting that fact. One day, I hope to be able to accept myself as I currently am, not who I was.
The Concussion Chronicles 